There comes a time in every ones life when they realize that they thought they knew themselves, when in actuality it is the complete opposite and realize that you don't know yourself at all. Things that you try to do to make you a better person not always work and at times they completely fail. I have always tried to be such a good person and my actions lead me in directions that I could never imagine nor had I ever wanted to think I was even capable of.

I am so sorry to all the people that I have hurt in the past, present and future not that I plan on hurting anyone but things happen and not always for the better.

I thought my life was going just as wonderful as I wanted it to but things happen that are within our control and the control is completely handles in ways not suitable for anyone.

Take it all:
Fear and devotion,
These brown eyes,
Pockmarked skin,
And my strained heart.
Yes, you're painted glass,
Hand blown, hard as stone,
But your day will come
And you'll shatter.

With fingers through my hair,
You promised smiles, Jazz,
And said,
“Backing the light fading,
Hear a lone fickle trumpet.
I’ll be there, too, with
The bass drum, a metronome…”
But I found silence,
Tears and you were gone.

Have you suffered this much?
Feel your touch!

This has been the summer of hell, turning into the fall of hell. Hell that is according to my level of pain. My arthritis and fibromyalgia have just taken over my life. And it's getting worse. I haven't seen my Rhematologist in year because he's not in my insurance plan and they will only pay 80% of what they feel he should be charging and I've been too afraid to find out what that will end up costing me. I think I'm caving in to being willing to pay anything to get rid of this pain.

Oh, and I know exactly what I'll be taking.. that poison methaltrexate. It's a low dose of chemotherapy that we inflamed chronic painers end up taking orally - mixed in juice. It is supposed to have less side effects than all those other drugs you hear about in all those commercials.

Let me tell you.. If I could get a hold of some Bextra I'd be the happiest person on the planet. That stuff really worked. It is actually the ONLY thing I've ever taken that actually worked.

So anyways..

Written by Judith Blakley
(can also be read on www.lovelaceway.blogspot.com)

There are days in life where you truly know it's one for the record books. One of the hardest days in your entire life. Even though all of us have tough days, there are but few real hard days in each of our lives.

I've had a few - real true hard days.

I measure these record days as times when I've had to go through one of the most difficult things I've ever endured. These days usually involve the pain of others. But once it was because of my own physical pain.

Thursday, September 27, 2007 was one of those days.

My previous days of record were the day my father died, the day I learned my father-in-law had cancer and the day I was in the hospital thinking I was dying.

Judy's Blog - Monday, September 3, 2007

Fibromyalgia is not in my head, it's on my head! Because it took so long for the general medical community to acknowledge fibromyalgia as a legitimate disease, many people in society still believe it's all in people's heads.

Fibromyalgia in non medical terms : Fibromyalgia causes muscles to become inflamed. When the muscles are inflamed, a simple touch can be torturous. There are distinct and characteristic places on the body that, to touch them, causes incredible pain.

Because of my recent addiction to Big Brother 8 and watching the YouTube videos of what has been happening behind the scenes, I have caused my fibromyalgia to flare up.

Written by Judith Blakley

I suffer from chronic pain, but do not want to live my life medicated. I search for alternative ways to deal with my arthritis and fibromyalgia. My doctor is fantastic in that he acknowledges and understands the uses of herbal remedies. He helps his patients find a balance of natural remedies and prescription drugs. I appreciate this approach to medicine and find myself sending patients his way.

Written by: Judith Blakley

I was talking with a new friend about various different pain remedies, and she mentioned that she had a problem with migraines. I shared my methods of dealing with them, and realized I need to share them with everyone. I find myself telling people how I get rid of my migraines all the time. I’m one of those people who talks to everyone in the supermarket.

I get migraines off and on throughout the year. I may go a whole year without one, and then be bogged down with one attack after another. Fifteen years ago, I even took medication for them. I hated the way they stole your day and forced you to lie in bed hoping the nausea would go away.

I know there are many new medications on the market, but I live with chronic pain, so I try to avoid adding more prescriptions with all their side effects. Through trial and error, I found three remedies which work well for me.

Eucalyptus Oil

pull back the clothes to show the beast inside,
withered and weary with no place to hide.
she knows not what is truth and what is lies,
scared and shivering with no hope inside.
she sees herself in a way no one else does,
confused and cold with pain on her side.
she cannot sit as torment does not abate,
disgusted and depressed with eyes full of hate.

she cannot think, she cannot hide,
from the beast which lies inside.
who is she, she does not know,
since all of her days are filled with woe.

a never ending hunger,
a never ending battle,
mind against mind,
an invisible fight.

My knee hurts today,
But I don't know why.
Each step, painful.
I wince and groan.

I think about what
I have done to cause
Such wild discomfort,
But answers are scarce.

Stumped and hobbled,
I meander to the kitchen
And damn the time.
Convenience elludes again.

With a cup of old milk,
I lean in the doorway
And stare at my knee.
It stares back at me
With that same blank
expression it always has.

I stare, as if waiting
For an answer
But there is none,
And I am left to lament
The folly of evolution.

I am left with hope.
Hope that the pain subsides.
Hope that I will not
Be forced to withstand
The long lines.
The grungy waiting rooms.
The knowing glances.
Such is the price
For the uninsured.

From the corner of my eye,
I see a person. A man
walking down my street.
From the look of him
I can discern that he
Is familliar with my fears.

He and others walk my street.
I see them every day.
I know not where they go
But they go.